1. I haven't figured out my purpose here.
2. I haven't had a deep conversation in 6 weeks (aka since I arrived).
3. The things that I struggle with here, are the same things I struggle with at home, but so many of the same pressures are gone, so what gives? I've also been feeling spiritually stagnant, despite some very concerted effort.
So, yesterday and today, I've been pondering, praying and searching. And through the help of some friends, family, a little bit of a written rant and some Bible reading I've discovered some peace.
1. My cousin Andrea helped me realize that my purpose might not be realized here (or perhaps it just hasn't happened yet, or moreover, maybe God is going to wait a really long time to reveal it); she noted that wouldn't it be great if this experience wasn't just a blip in my timeline, but something much greater. That's what I'm hoping for, and also what I was grateful to hear!
2. I actively pursued some deep conversations with one of the missionaries here, and then got a few long emails (and some photos) from great friends that I've missed having deep conversations with, and felt better connected and was able to analyze the other struggles plaguing me. Thanks to some of my ladies!
3. So today I realized that just because your daily routine isn't the same, doesn't mean that your character changes, and the way you analyze things, systems or people doesn't change either. Also, Rome wasn't built in a day. In the same way God probably isn't going to be able to move or change my heart in a few short months, at least not completely, especially if I don't surrender all. I might be reading two spiritually driving books, doing a morning devotion, an evening devotion and reading a chapter of the Bible every night, but am I surrendering all to Him, or am I giving Him bits and pieces of my life (thank you to Kyle Idleman, Not a Fan) to work on?
What also helped with both my deep conversation issue and the way I am (item 3) was the devotion I led this evening. I started by reading the story of Mary & Martha found in Luke 10 and asked everyone who they were. Interestingly enough all the Ugandans characterized themselves as Mary and all the Americans were decidedly Martha. I think this plays to the notion that the Ugandan timetable is non-functioning (not meant to offend you my Ugandan friends) and instead Ugandans spend all the time needed visiting or engaging with friends or family, instead of rushing to the next event. Whereas Americans are often on a timetable, have a meeting to prepare for and then the next place to be, we often times miss the opportunity to either hear God, or even relate to one another. Are you constantly doing work to lessen your time with God?
I also looked at the Mary/Martha story as a personality trait of are you the one doing the work and preparing or are you the one engaging or entertaining, which led me to Matthew 25 and The Parable of the Talents. Now in this instance talents was actually money, but if you think about it more as skill-like talents and begin understanding the idea of sowing your talents, constantly growing them, then how much more can you do for His kingdom? One missionary was able to see her talents but because she wasn't done schooling didn't consider that she could be using these talents already.
By asking everyone to answer a few simple questions about themselves and asking them to write their answers so we could discuss them, our typical 15 minute Bible study became at least 45 minutes, and our conversation and understanding of eachother that much deeper.
Another interesting dichotomy also emerged between the Ugandans and Americans when discussing their talents. The Ugandans saw themselves as very talented, and included their personalities in their assessments, whereas the Americans found it harder to find any talents. This is in line with the way Ugandans offer prayer requests, because they always start with, 'First I want to thank God for my life', or something similar; it's always in gratitude for all God has given them, whereas us Americans just ask for our prayer requests. So with such a grateful attitude wouldn't they see all their blessings, and God-given talents much easier than me?
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